who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
