Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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