what day is it and did you see me today?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
the liver wants what the liver wants
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
