I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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