last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
