Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
