I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
