my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
