she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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