does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
