I hate all girls vehemently.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
