he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
