JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
