So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
