I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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