Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
