I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
