I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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