i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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