in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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