if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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