This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
