Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
