Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
