thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
a search helicopter?!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
