I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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