I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
