i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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