i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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