it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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