I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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