you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
