New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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