Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
