I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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