Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
