Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
