I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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