dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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