I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
