I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
