So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
