Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
