You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
