Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
