i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
