The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
