"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
