Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I love you. Go after that dick
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
