Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
